8 years ago………



It has come and gone…………… The much expected birthday on the millennium year……. Didn’t feel anything out of the ordinary.Just felt that there’s nothing to celebrate in it. I just think of my life till now when i have completed 17 years, I’ve done nothing that has made my birth not even meaningful. so I did not think of celebrating it with chocolates or cakes. The day before yesterday i failed in one of my resolutions(not masturbating ;-)).. Yet today after my birthday i succeeded to a little extent in it. and this has become a morale boost to me and has given me a surge of pleasure and a lot of encouragement.

7 yrs back another birthday entry



Today was the first day of having the NCC parade. Today it all was a little tough but it went on smoothly. And I’ve not yet planned it till now.I feel that this is a bad thing. I’m making it today.This semester. I wanted to upgrade my marks by regular study.This week I want to complete the portions that has been taught to us till now.That is a pretty big work for there’s a whole lot to study. I feel that this must get us to some place where I can achieve something. I also want to plan my future.(Ha ha ha). I now plan to complete my degree with good marks. I also aim to attend post graduate courses. If I’m placed in final year, then I want it to make a choice between my post graduation and work. Whatever it be I want to achieve something and make a mark in the field I choose and I shall strive to do it nobly.[:P]

Birthday entry


How does one get one’s self free of 25 years of learned fear?
a fear that managed to drive Wynand go the Toohey way… Or is it that Wynand would never have gone the Toohey way?
What happens when Roark chooses to go the Ellsworth Toohey way and realizes after a quarter century of his life that he has done a mistake??
What happens to him after that?
Can he start again?
Can he find someone who can ask him to hold onto faith like Roark asked Gail Wynand? Even if he has would he allow himself to listen and believe? What happens to one who has spent his life dedicating it to “swell”?? Worse still what if that swell itself had been the illusion of being Howard Roark,Dagny Taggart,John Galt,Francisco d’Anconia??, while in reality he had just been an Ellsworth Toohey,Peter Keating,Robert Ferris or worse State science Institute??
Can he allow himself to start afresh with the innocence of a newborn?
Forgetting all the ways of Tooheys of the world????????????????????????????

Two roads diverge before me…………
In all previous cases i have taken the one less travelled by……….
This time wanna choose the one that would lead to pure painless ecstasy……..
Suggestions anyone……… Know the one that leads to smooth content life under fear………….

Is it because i haven’t had the courage to stand by the ideas i generated?? Or i cheated myself into believing and convincing to believe mediocrity for greatness?? Or better stopped at the first step to greatness and was happy that i am a step higher than others?? I did place go the self-less way, only in a slightly different manner??
No that is too much simplification…………. I have always insisted on standing my own legs, even when i was considered too young to think in those terms………… But then even the only soul who understood that(English teacher) asked me to earn a lot and settle down…….. So even then i was misunderstood………… I could never settle down even if i own the world, the universe and everything………………. Or atleast that is what i thought at that moment, thoughnot in so clear words………. But now there is a tiredness where is the origin for this tiredness???? Why does it have to hit me now when I can’t afford it and when I need my energy level at its highest……..???? all the sighs and huffs and puffs……….. where does this road go???////
Yengae sellum intha pathai……… yaaro yevaro arivaaro??
Yengaengo kaalgal sellum paathaiyil pogindrar…………….

On the other hand, Why do I even bother to go about all these philosophizing… if i am doing what i believe in…………. fine what is the point in wasting almost 2 years completely in introspection and philosophising and hypothesising………. addiction?? escape?? Escape from reality?? Addiction to what?? abstraction as a means of escape??

What did i mean when i said at 13 that my ambition was to be a scientist………. the only motive i can remember is one of being different, but then why scientist………. did i identify the thrill of taking apart things and seeing what makes them tick or did i need the thrill of putting a few pipes together to make it look like a “machine-gun”????(Actually what i thought a machine gun, but turned out it was more on the lines of an SLR and not even close to resembling a LMG,besides the point here anyway)

The most disturbing fact for me being I have turned into one who expects to be wished on his birthday (as if it was an achievement to manage to live another year) from one who used to ask what have i done till now to celebrate a birthday?? I guess i enjoyed the second me better… and to boot can’t place the when and how this change of tide happened?? Can’t really remember it……………………………………..
Interestingly enough i guess it coincides with thinking/abstraction becoming a mask…….. Judgement and action seem to have long lost,,,, Feeling and thinking look like the prime time preoccupations and seem to be eating me from within…………………… :-D

The biggest irony of all of this being the fact that i write all this as if i am observing somebody else and reporting his struggle.Or is it my biggest gift and the source of my survival/trouble this far???

“A man’s spirit is his self. That entity which is his Consciousness.To think,to feel,to judge,to act are functions of the ego.” –Howard Roark.

Guess that is enough rambling for celebrating the completion of 25 years on earth…………. though technically haven’t completed 25 years at the moment of writing this( you see i was born at 7.20 AM and still 3 hrs and 9 mins to go for that.:-P)

More journal pages

Pattiveeranpatti                        20.07.2008

All of human belief systems(Philosophy/Religion/Science) have been used to give people something to believe in so that they can have some “why to live for”???
Don’t we all make up things as we go?? So there is in reality no objective truth/belief???
And the split of the belief between work and your personal life is what causing the whole work/life balance issue???:

Journal pages…………


What is this obsession with completely cutting away from people??
Why do people always disappoint me?? I still cling on to them?? When would i learn to really forget these people and focus on doing what keeps me happy??

Well it looks like i am getting back to being what i was in Engg. College…It is not so bad compared to what i was last 2 years……… but it still comes with a con of getting too distracted…… so the question now comes down to this……..
Can I manage to have fun the way i used to be in Engg. Coll. and still manage to get a few things done?? I mean apart from the learning and reading part…… That is now an integral part of me anyway… I just cannot read/learn……. but can i get things done atleast with an apparent sense of order at the least………

Ramblings……….and collections of it…..

Twilight, sun was peeping at the world through the horizon door partly opened.
She woke up with a start and break-neck speed. she had been having a nightmare, one in which she was being closed by a pack of wolves.
Dwelling on the dream, she tried to lie down and drift to sleep again, but could not. Giving up she started the day with a curse, striding into the kitchen for a coffee. But there had been a power-shutdown overnight and milk was spoilt. She had to now wait for the milkman. She tried to make a listof things to do. She ahd to work hard.
Revise her vison daily to grab the leadership role. There already was tough competition from her neighbours. she sighed wishing she was already there.But it was not and it was going tough especially with current leaders powerful enough to detere them with jsut their brutal strength. But they had settled on a rhythm andlike a long distance marathon runner and can’t accelerate for fear falling short of energy. she had to energize herself and try to beat them even on the process of energizing, since the leaders are always trying it. It’s neither gonna be a short nor an easy one, but she’s got to run anyway; since she lost a lot of headway in why she wanted the race.May be it was some time wasted, but it really was not. This understanding she has acquired through it is what will help her maintain the lead once she gets it. Of course it is the same reason her neighbour too is very close to her in the race.
Why should it be her????She knows that better than anybody that there has been a common lack of direction to the race before till now.. Everybody had just been running without a clue of where and when and why they are running….. most still do. The only ever a few so-called leaders could manage were a quote about a deer and lion in africa waking up every day and having to run for food or survival.Nobody mentioned the fact that lions don’t hunt everyday and deers are not hunted only by lions and so they stay alert all the time……….. In fact they are hunted by most hunting species………..

This was after a row with the housekeeper of the jungle lodge at the trek….Oh what was the name of the place?? The one in which we got lost. met ramya and jo. the one where i pose with a mad laugh as a mine worker lost and found. the one where i pose below the dead tree with a slogan “Still i am useful”. He complained over the noise we were making..
Why am I with a big ego of learning quick and always learning ?? What does it matter?? Is it a reaction to early childhood taunts, which if any i seem to have forgotten??

Is this not at the same level?? what would have happened if we had heard the guy and what is troubling him and explain what is wanted and why we were making noise?? Probably he would never have heard us and become as stubborn as puppot raja??

And another unrememberable day this was the ramble….
Why did I have this split between mind and body??Interestingly it is pronounced better when i am drunk….. cna feel my body intoxicated and not my mind??? Why can’t i have both united together??? will I ever be able to get to that stage???Why of all people should i be exposed to math early in life?? or worser still love of math??  why should i understand the logic in it??? that too implicitly would it have been better if i had got it explicitly??? GOK :P and then a complete runaway during the engineering??? And such a fall that can never even think about math after that atleast not till now and it i s 8 years since i have been to college……………Or atleast i still cannot ditch it like my classmates?? Y am a still a believer in math and Y am i even getting into cognitive science?? Y is mathematics so powerful and yet so powerless??

Punch dialogues machi punch…

Born as a rebel
Born on a revolution
Born to revolutionize

Life is a question of choices; choose carefully.
Life’s all about balancing between extremes.

I am right at the centre.

If you’re open enough, you can even go through a closed door.

It’s a Roller coaster life; I ain’t got no seat belt. Hands anyone???

I have learnt despite Education :P

If you are spoilt, get unspoilt; go ahead check it out.

A year’s straying thoughts during class

Hey these are the products of the excretion of my cochlea into my brain,feeding on the phonemes produced by the help of the larynx and pharynx of our lecturers during the academic year 2007-2008.
BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some of these are viral and could drive you crazy…….. They almost did to me………. but i escaped by the hair in my ear.
And oh yeah almost forgot please forgive the occasional self-pondering thoughts could not really manage to seperate them together it was too tough a job so gave up…. (My current comments as on 10/08/2008, while digitizing the handwritten notes).

Science-detail is a meme that propagates itself by appearing to be new, by way of too much detal??? are all scientists just possessed tools of the meme???

Why did we evolve grammar?? was that the evolution of reason?? no!! Is reasoning without language possible??? Language Memes???

Thinking/reasoning – starts with the agent trying to understand itself. So cognition is the next step in evolution??? (This one beats even me…… No clue what i was thinking…)

Bilinguals/Multilinguals have to rely more on semantic lexicon!!!!!

Did phonology or morphology evolve first in the evolution of language.?????

By an evolutionary viewpoint the intention to speak is induced by an alert or threat…. People have to be insecure to keep speaking and creating theories & new science????? Is that why buddhism is famous/right??? (guess was referring to noble silence………. but not so sure and can’t recall what i was thinking and why??).

If even language experts don’t have the basic definitions clear then what can be done??

Unlearning the differentiation of space,time,mass & energy (oh yeah awareness/consciousness too) is the target to be hit?? Education works against it??
But in reality the ones who excel or do great are the ones who perceive/feel/judge in the continuum and not the differentiated parts???

Where do I lag?? Energy?? mass?? also consciousness??

Quantum physics happened when physics entered hugely incomprehensible limits for the human sensory faculties…… so Cognitive science will go through a similarly long developmental process???

Chomsky would go along with innatism theory and say an innate fight against space,energy,time,mass predictability in an organism???
Is freedom an innate tendency??
People look for mates in an attempt to get together as proposed in God’s Debris??? but endup with child birth and thereby splitting up a bit more??? what an irony it would be??? :)

I need high space,mass, and i bring energy, quick response,higher cognition?? Animals cognize in fewer dimensions?? while humans in space,time,mass,energy,consciousness continuum… Click??

A video where a ball moves around and a key has to be pressed at exact,specific moments based on cues like colour of the ball?? Eye movement during the video??(with and without a random frame depicting incongruent movement??)

Categorisation & Integration are 2 different memes, which are competing for the mind to live and multiply on?? (Sounds like stolen from matrix)

Objective evaluation Vs Empathization => the dilemma of my life???

Action => a physical movement which is intended to effect a change in the environment/surroundings/outside the self-source of mismatch in working style between west & east???

Evolutionarily consciousness would have been a tool 4 sustanence as it enables us to remember, re-examine,re-analyze, one’s actions in the light of their results…….

Flexibility of a structure to suit the environment decides the fitness of the organism??? will it have to evolve space & time distinction???

Did we evolve to think???

Cognitive science domain???? causal??

Science – Diagnostic (Not a clue…………)

Specified/given is always when the event has happened or not happened.[boolean?? or even if we know a distribution] (again am lost…..)

Abstraction was an escape 4 me??? oh yeah the biggest addiction yet… Got to find something bigger next………

Belief networks of events model with events that evolve a causal relationship during training.
For a specific problem like the figure-ground segregation the factors/nodes of the network would be:
1. Flicker rate of regions
2. Colour of Regions
3. Relative size of the image
4. Relative motion

High neighbouring correlation in nature ==> Gestalt rules

Next evolution will be high dynamism??
do i give too much credit to people??(or atleast more than i give to myself??)
If panpsychism is true then y do we need living things?? what advantage does that give???
God’s Debris ==> Determinism?????????
Or just a global goal and lots of local decisions made?? or growth of the consciousness what does this phrase mean??[assumes humans are more conscious than animals]… if the premise is accepted then what next???? if failed then what?? a movemnt towards order only in the consciousness dimension or is this order and disorder in specific dimension grows and wanes???
Is it just a big 5d body changing forms & shapes?? Does this mean a membrane covered with fluid placed on a varying or tilting surface???? Or can we never thinkoutside of it because we are part of it???

Lower in Working memory => Higher awarenesss|more presence of mind due to less worry???

Are memes a result of necessity to explain?? (which would explain why robots/AI agents don’t create scientific theories,unless it is part of their goal) or is it the other way around?? is it a neccessary tool for the reproduction of memes??? Can it be the case that memes cause the consciousness & related issues while the others like perception, attention are just evolutionary pressure???

sit and give ideas seems to be the ideal job according to most scientists???

Emotion and reason are 2 dimensions of the mind…
Computers cannot multiply & divide cause it is artificial and imagined product of the mind => w/o real life???
Correlation are other imaginations of the mind too??

The way life throws up things and sprang surprises at as it a hunter in the wild trying to catch a big cat….
safe hands party in is want shakti is lookng forward to what am i???? (Merlin’s beard……. God bless this soul[:P])

why ‘is’ is a verb???
Existence is an action??
or language evolved when existence required a lots of action…..
Did the other
dhruv & me just pr..(Can’t read here) the each of our wannabe rosy image and show for ourselves new not for the other…………..

More we grow up more difficult to commune…

Are memes conscious???
Children are anticipatory.. our educational system was designed based on memes??Creativity is the ability to change the location of ego???

4years and 2 heart breaks is what it takes to unlearn the hesitation…. or rather realise it is the problem.Hope the unlearning is as instantaneous as i make it sound like… but what a wasteful & slow learner I really am like phaedrus i miss a lot of stuff and reinvent the wheel, a poor scholar indeed. All the more reason to forget about full-time Ph.D?? Let’s see to early to worry will apply just where i feel like and see what i feel like when i have to decide…. All of these is a bit more tough with age and support waning but “Somethings are meant to be………..”

Bayesian decision system for figure-ground segregation:
1.Assign figure & ground states to the regions of the image.
2.Previous experiences & conclusions from the previous judgement of figure & ground regions.

Can our machines ever can know quality???
Will they ever learn to categorize based on quality?? will they ever be able to create|generate category??

An algorithm starts with completely random cell activations then a bit more closer to the probability distribution of weights in the networks??

Urban life –> hunting/gathering
Ratiocination –> ratio –> fraction –> fractal geometry
Time can both undershoot and overshoot

I semester stuff………..

Explore freewill is identifying the basin of attraction we are in???

kinesthetic learning memes???
chaos theory & creativity
kinesthetic learning and creativity??

Abstract thinking is better in bi/multilinguals because of Linguistic switching
1.Paragraph with 2 languages mixed
2.Bi-lingual words
Comprehension rate eh diffficulty???
Switching words or sentence
How wud u measure the abstract thinking??
1.Mental rotation
2.Mirror image identification
3.Sequence -next??
4.Image + Image => which image
5.Visual analogies??
6.Analogies with math symbols
7.Understanding power???
8.Syllogical reasoning

There are no absolute concepts?? then there is no implicit transformation??
Consciousness in some state we are better @creativity??
At some paths and attractors those are creative regions with almost equal attraction from many around also explains association of creativity & uncertainty, & feeling of restlessness associated with it….

what if we can perceive only 3 or 4 dimensions??

cochlea is actually a snail???(it looks like a snail…. so could it be a remnant of the evolution from sea theory?? and could it have taken refuge in the head as a symbiotic relationship…. this is really diving into evolutionary psychology….. but still was and is interesting…..)

Continuous and discrete the resolution is vital to differentiate..
Are they really different?? Nature is always discrete??[Quanta]….

Physics has extended beyond ourselves.. Psychology is yet to catch up with physics…. do we need a different approach from usual science??

Live with the limitations of the internal model like discrete time and not continuous time?? Actually people who argue against evolution on grounds of reason are actually believers in the presence of a higher power that brings us together, but if they don’t it is actually utilitarian view.

Should i believe in the causality to live here??
Does our model of the world always have to see time?? Does nature evolve to know time or we humans modeled time too?? If yes is it still relevant or useful?? Can we come up with a better one?? can it be generic enough???

Utility based agents:
Emotion is the reaction of an organism to difference between the external state and expected state based on the internal model

Vipassana => just stop computing??

Faster you develop personality and ego less memes??
Human mind and Rene thom’s map seem so similar……. Jumps are considered dangerous which is the fear of learning. So much energy being put in to avoid jumps…… funnily enough ..Technological advances bring in jumps in awareness……..Though they evolved as a way to jump in space-time… They have started trying to drive jumps …..

Quality is the response of an organism to its environment????
Is cause and effect so clearly demarcated??
Equivalence can be defined at various levels. So interaction between equals if it is not between equals it is useless or not capable of study.

Science can never stop dividing and splitting??? Does it have to include the concern for the whole???

I have not emitted enough or do I believe i can emit more
why do we have lightness as a limited line of height??

Signal needs a transform
Signal interpretation
Signal is not there without an interpretation.
Implicitly transformed???
Absolute finite–> Relative infinite –> we say too big and so not practical to consider.
Absolute Infinite–> Relatively meaningless –> we don’t care about the value jus say infinite and leave it alone
Absolute zero –> Relative finite–> Relatively finite is absolute zero transformed to our purpose.So it is already in balance. We just meddle with it and imbalance it.
To ponder: We only meddle with Absolute zero =>Relatively finite.
And our relative zero is absolutely meaningless………=> we have made up our relative zero.
We keep meddling with absolute things in nature, till we observe a transform we can apply….

Independance is always on some scale referring to something so it is useful onlywhere the scale is relevant and useful.some with identically distributed.

Event independance?? how are they?? Inter dependance Dependance has to be referred to a scale. Dependant by time or sample set.

Can perception be a variable?? how is a variable determined?? At what stage are we capable of doing it? what are all the processes behind the process??? Only after exhaustive statistics??

Till now we have been studying systems outside us. We are now trying to study the mind too… May be we have to extend our system to include the mechanism of ourselves to. But do we first have a unified theory of all things outside us???

In case of meditator attention happens later stage…

Points of attraction –> lowest energy state???
Mental state sets –> Lowest information loss??=> lower creativity???

Covert moving ur ‘I’
Overt without moving ur ‘I’
Covert – Creativity & conscious of the ego & ‘I’ still
Overt – we are all one
Higher cost benefit => patterns of stimuli???[Expectation]

Any psychological property cannot be measured by an instrument……
Gotta use an implicit transformation …. to study………….

Oh yeah atlast i can go to sleep done with all these notes……….. Damn that was quite a scare……….. next job to do the grouping of the few theories mixed up here……. atleast now i can have all at one place. :P