Birthday entry

Bangalore
14-07-2008

How does one get one’s self free of 25 years of learned fear?
a fear that managed to drive Wynand go the Toohey way… Or is it that Wynand would never have gone the Toohey way?
What happens when Roark chooses to go the Ellsworth Toohey way and realizes after a quarter century of his life that he has done a mistake??
What happens to him after that?
Can he start again?
Can he find someone who can ask him to hold onto faith like Roark asked Gail Wynand? Even if he has would he allow himself to listen and believe? What happens to one who has spent his life dedicating it to “swell”?? Worse still what if that swell itself had been the illusion of being Howard Roark,Dagny Taggart,John Galt,Francisco d’Anconia??, while in reality he had just been an Ellsworth Toohey,Peter Keating,Robert Ferris or worse State science Institute??
Can he allow himself to start afresh with the innocence of a newborn?
Forgetting all the ways of Tooheys of the world????????????????????????????

Two roads diverge before me…………
In all previous cases i have taken the one less travelled by……….
This time wanna choose the one that would lead to pure painless ecstasy……..
Suggestions anyone……… Know the one that leads to smooth content life under fear………….

Is it because i haven’t had the courage to stand by the ideas i generated?? Or i cheated myself into believing and convincing to believe mediocrity for greatness?? Or better stopped at the first step to greatness and was happy that i am a step higher than others?? I did place go the self-less way, only in a slightly different manner??
No that is too much simplification…………. I have always insisted on standing my own legs, even when i was considered too young to think in those terms………… But then even the only soul who understood that(English teacher) asked me to earn a lot and settle down…….. So even then i was misunderstood………… I could never settle down even if i own the world, the universe and everything………………. Or atleast that is what i thought at that moment, thoughnot in so clear words………. But now there is a tiredness where is the origin for this tiredness???? Why does it have to hit me now when I can’t afford it and when I need my energy level at its highest……..???? all the sighs and huffs and puffs……….. where does this road go???////
Yengae sellum intha pathai……… yaaro yevaro arivaaro??
Yengaengo kaalgal sellum paathaiyil pogindrar…………….

On the other hand, Why do I even bother to go about all these philosophizing… if i am doing what i believe in…………. fine what is the point in wasting almost 2 years completely in introspection and philosophising and hypothesising………. addiction?? escape?? Escape from reality?? Addiction to what?? abstraction as a means of escape??

What did i mean when i said at 13 that my ambition was to be a scientist………. the only motive i can remember is one of being different, but then why scientist………. did i identify the thrill of taking apart things and seeing what makes them tick or did i need the thrill of putting a few pipes together to make it look like a “machine-gun”????(Actually what i thought a machine gun, but turned out it was more on the lines of an SLR and not even close to resembling a LMG,besides the point here anyway)

The most disturbing fact for me being I have turned into one who expects to be wished on his birthday (as if it was an achievement to manage to live another year) from one who used to ask what have i done till now to celebrate a birthday?? I guess i enjoyed the second me better… and to boot can’t place the when and how this change of tide happened?? Can’t really remember it……………………………………..
Interestingly enough i guess it coincides with thinking/abstraction becoming a mask…….. Judgement and action seem to have long lost,,,, Feeling and thinking look like the prime time preoccupations and seem to be eating me from within…………………… :-D

The biggest irony of all of this being the fact that i write all this as if i am observing somebody else and reporting his struggle.Or is it my biggest gift and the source of my survival/trouble this far???

“A man’s spirit is his self. That entity which is his Consciousness.To think,to feel,to judge,to act are functions of the ego.” –Howard Roark.

Guess that is enough rambling for celebrating the completion of 25 years on earth…………. though technically haven’t completed 25 years at the moment of writing this( you see i was born at 7.20 AM and still 3 hrs and 9 mins to go for that.:-P)

More journal pages

Pattiveeranpatti                        20.07.2008

All of human belief systems(Philosophy/Religion/Science) have been used to give people something to believe in so that they can have some “why to live for”???
Don’t we all make up things as we go?? So there is in reality no objective truth/belief???
And the split of the belief between work and your personal life is what causing the whole work/life balance issue???:

Journal pages…………

Allahabad
05-08-2008

What is this obsession with completely cutting away from people??
Why do people always disappoint me?? I still cling on to them?? When would i learn to really forget these people and focus on doing what keeps me happy??

Well it looks like i am getting back to being what i was in Engg. College…It is not so bad compared to what i was last 2 years……… but it still comes with a con of getting too distracted…… so the question now comes down to this……..
Can I manage to have fun the way i used to be in Engg. Coll. and still manage to get a few things done?? I mean apart from the learning and reading part…… That is now an integral part of me anyway… I just cannot read/learn……. but can i get things done atleast with an apparent sense of order at the least………

Ramblings……….and collections of it…..

Twilight, sun was peeping at the world through the horizon door partly opened.
She woke up with a start and break-neck speed. she had been having a nightmare, one in which she was being closed by a pack of wolves.
Dwelling on the dream, she tried to lie down and drift to sleep again, but could not. Giving up she started the day with a curse, striding into the kitchen for a coffee. But there had been a power-shutdown overnight and milk was spoilt. She had to now wait for the milkman. She tried to make a listof things to do. She ahd to work hard.
Revise her vison daily to grab the leadership role. There already was tough competition from her neighbours. she sighed wishing she was already there.But it was not and it was going tough especially with current leaders powerful enough to detere them with jsut their brutal strength. But they had settled on a rhythm andlike a long distance marathon runner and can’t accelerate for fear falling short of energy. she had to energize herself and try to beat them even on the process of energizing, since the leaders are always trying it. It’s neither gonna be a short nor an easy one, but she’s got to run anyway; since she lost a lot of headway in why she wanted the race.May be it was some time wasted, but it really was not. This understanding she has acquired through it is what will help her maintain the lead once she gets it. Of course it is the same reason her neighbour too is very close to her in the race.
Why should it be her????She knows that better than anybody that there has been a common lack of direction to the race before till now.. Everybody had just been running without a clue of where and when and why they are running….. most still do. The only ever a few so-called leaders could manage were a quote about a deer and lion in africa waking up every day and having to run for food or survival.Nobody mentioned the fact that lions don’t hunt everyday and deers are not hunted only by lions and so they stay alert all the time……….. In fact they are hunted by most hunting species………..

This was after a row with the housekeeper of the jungle lodge at the trek….Oh what was the name of the place?? The one in which we got lost. met ramya and jo. the one where i pose with a mad laugh as a mine worker lost and found. the one where i pose below the dead tree with a slogan “Still i am useful”. He complained over the noise we were making..
Why am I with a big ego of learning quick and always learning ?? What does it matter?? Is it a reaction to early childhood taunts, which if any i seem to have forgotten??

Is this not at the same level?? what would have happened if we had heard the guy and what is troubling him and explain what is wanted and why we were making noise?? Probably he would never have heard us and become as stubborn as puppot raja??

And another unrememberable day this was the ramble….
Why did I have this split between mind and body??Interestingly it is pronounced better when i am drunk….. cna feel my body intoxicated and not my mind??? Why can’t i have both united together??? will I ever be able to get to that stage???Why of all people should i be exposed to math early in life?? or worser still love of math??  why should i understand the logic in it??? that too implicitly would it have been better if i had got it explicitly??? GOK :P and then a complete runaway during the engineering??? And such a fall that can never even think about math after that atleast not till now and it i s 8 years since i have been to college……………Or atleast i still cannot ditch it like my classmates?? Y am a still a believer in math and Y am i even getting into cognitive science?? Y is mathematics so powerful and yet so powerless??

Punch dialogues machi punch…

Born as a rebel
Born on a revolution
Born to revolutionize

Life is a question of choices; choose carefully.
Life’s all about balancing between extremes.

I am right at the centre.

If you’re open enough, you can even go through a closed door.

It’s a Roller coaster life; I ain’t got no seat belt. Hands anyone???

I have learnt despite Education :P

If you are spoilt, get unspoilt; go ahead check it out.